Patchwork: Making Sense of the Mess (Entry #3)

Updated: Oct 12, 2020

Disclaimer: This post contains foul language. These are my journal entries, unedited.


I’m asking this. Everyone is asking this. People are coming to me asking this. WTF do I respond to that?!

Life is just full of heavy lessons. I like to believe that I understand many of them, and do my best to work through most.

Some are obviously much harder than others. And there are still so much more to go.

I love helping others through their lessons, too. It’s one of my favorite ways to work with clients—looking at the lessons, growing from them, finding empowerment in them.

I think what troubles me most as a healer is that sometimes I just don’t know how to help. Because sometimes those lessons are so much bigger than just the individual. So much bigger than them and myself.

Some of these lessons are global. And how the fuck do you help someone heal through something they have absolutely no control over?

COVID brought this intense level of heaviness over the world. And that’s something we’ve been dealing with, and even something I totally understand. I understand the lessons there and I’ve been moving and grooving through those and helping over through it, no problem.

But my Goddess. The level of hate, the privilege, the ego, the entitlement, the lack of care I see from people and read from people online when it comes to racial and social injustices is mind blowing to me.

I believe that we all have our own individual lessons in love, compassion, spirituality, and so on. But the fact that so many people have to be treated so unjustly … and fucking murderedfor those lessons to shine through is …. I don’t know. Does a word exist to define that?

It’s difficult to wrap my head around yet another person of color being murdered. This time it was George Floyd.

I know that there isn’t much that is going to come from me saying my piece of people on social media, it’s just not. If people were going to change, or wanted to change, or were even open to changing, they’d do some research. Some real, intelligent, non-biased, research on history They’d read books to get an understanding of what white privilege means, and white fragility, and the racial injustices that have plagued our world forever.

The people spouting off terrible thing or are completely close minded to hearing another side are the same people who aren’t going to learn from reading Facebook comments. So if anything, we waste our energy.

We waste the energy we could be putting in to making change. To teaching our children. To helping out the communities that are suffering.

I guess if I really want to think about this spiritually, I have to start thinking about this like a healer. This is something that I talked with (life coach) about last night. I went off about my anger in the situation and my struggles with processing this as a healer and as a human and as someone who really wants to work to let go of negative feelings and energy regularly. I don’t want to be weighed down by that shit. And she brought up an amazing point. The things that I want to manifest in the world, are the very things that these people need.

And I couldn’t help but think like, man, it must suck to be those people on the other side. The people filled with so much hate. The people who have such large egos that they are terrified to admit that they have something to learn. The people who get the joyful choice to live in a bubble and not face reality. The people who are going to have to die and come back a million times to learn these human lessons because they sure as shit aren’t learning them now.

Those people also need prayers.

Prayers that they can let go of their ego. That they can find empowerment and strength in themselves, where they are clearly lacking, enough to be able to see truth without taking offense or personalizing everything; enough to be able to hear another person’s perspective rather than only making space for their own; enough to find compassion for people they think are different from them, but really they aren’t.

If anything, I feel for those people.

I feel for the racist. I feel for the misogynistic. I feel for the homophobic. I feel for the transphobic. I feel for these people because they are stuck. They are stuck and learning heavy, heavy lessons, too. One’s that will follow them through lifetimes should they not learn them now.

How awful it must feel to be filled with that much negative energy.

Whatever keeps them stuck, I hope they find their antidote. I hope they find their peace and their healing.

For those who are on the side of equality and compassion, I send them healing too. That they may find peace in being on the reciprocating end of hatred. But that they may also find peace and a realization of how fucking BADASS they are to be enduring this, and still putting up a fight. Still doing what is right. Still doing what is freeing.

I know we are experiencing a lot of pain right now (can’t imagine what POC are going through) But wow. How freeing it is to know that we aren’t filled with what the others are. That we have moved through that lesson in our life. That we are the ones working to draw the moths toward the lighter side.

And while its heavy. It sure is fucking cool to step back and reflect on.

This is a trying and devastating time. but I have been working to find areas of empowerment and healing here. Ways to remind myself of what the “work” is that needs to be done, while recognizing that being able to do that work takes a pretty awesome breed.

And I look around me at some of the company I keep and I’m like wow. I’m surrounded by badasses. I’m surrounded by people who have voices. Who have courage. Who have light.

And that makes me smile.

I don’t really know how else to process this right now other than trying to hold space for my friends of color and to continue to do my part in educating myself, speaking up, and taking action where I can.

I know that anger is a beautiful motivator, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t serve us. I’m going to work to get to the next step. Away from anger and into action and channeling that anger into healing for those who need it—including the people who don’t believe there are injustices, including the people who don’t want to know, who have the privilege not to care, including the people in power who have continued to allow this to continue.

I’m also not going to deny myself of feeling the feels either. I have to remind myself that anger is ok and a normal response to these terrible situations. But I don’t want to stay in it anymore. I can’t unless I want to give myself a fucking stroke. And my family is already going through my grandmas stroke, and those do not look like a good time.

I’m really hopeful that the newer generations are going to be brought up to think more openly, that we raise kids and grandkids to be intolerant of intolerance.

I can’t help but laugh at the people who make comments that our generation is full of a bunch of pussies that don’t have a backbone because we “complain about things like this.” And it’s funny to me that the people who say we don’t have a backbone are the very people who aren’t standing up for anything.

How is it that wanting everyone on this planet to be happy is problematic? I mean, I get you can’t take everyone problems away because everyone is in control of their own responses to things … but you also don’t need to have obstacles for them that are literally unnecessary or uncalled for (like racism).

Anyway. I think I’m tapped out. I am so happy it’s the weekend. It’s been a hell of a week.

Grandma went to the hospital again today. And she won’t be coming home, but going to a rehab facility to heal from her stroke. I am terrified that I won’t see her again, but I’m trying to keep up the positive thoughts that I’ll be able to sit with her again and listen to her tell me she hates me tattoos.

I kept smiling today thinking about how much she has supported me throughout my life (minus the tattoos. Zero support there.)

I remember when she surprised me at my Journeys open house and I cried in front of a room full of people. I told Peter that if things go downhill quickly that we have to get married outside her hospital room window because she has been nagging me to get married forever and I would be devastated if she wasn’t at my wedding.

I was supposed to see her tomorrow. I knew that I should have seen her this week, I heard my Guides all week telling me to move my ass, but I didn’t listen. I know better than to ignore them. But now I can’t see her tomorrow.

It’s funny I decided to start posting my journal entries online for everyone to see right around the time things started to get emotional in the world and in my life. I’m thinking to myself, Jesus these people are going to think I’m doom and gloom LOL.

But at the same time, I’m a fucking person. And I think there’s no better way to heal than to face reality and to step into our authenticity, and I’m not going to pretend to be a robot for anyone. This is life. Life happens. Life happens even when we have the tools and all the rainbows and butterflies.

Despite all of the shit, my life is still awesome. I still have moments when I laugh and when I sing and dance and joke around. And I think that’s the thing that people miss sometimes is that we can have sad moments, and have these horrible things happening, and still have lovely moments and beautiful things happen all in the same few hours. Nd that’s just how life works.

And I think that if there’s anything that I want people to learn from in reading my journals (and a reminder to myself when I read them one day, and to my kids who I’ll show these too one day) is that life is all about polarity. And if we focus on just the good or just the bad, either way we are going to get burned. IF we focus on just the bad, then all we are going to perceive is bad and we might define our life experience as “bad.” If we focus on just the good, we are in denial. And when something really awful happens we are going to crash and fucking burn because we aren’t going to know how to navigate that pain. We’re going to miss out on a serious amount of growth too.

And I guess that even goes for what we are experiencing as a globe spiritually right now, too. There’s so much bad. But so much good is coming from this too. More awareness. Even if a small handful of people more than normal hears and understands what’s been happening in the world, then that is progress. Progress we shouldn’t have to make, because what the fuck, why is racism even a thing? BUT IT IS. So …. Reality.

I think tonight it’s going to thunderstorm. I’m going to go enjoy that with a book and hopefully get some sleep tonight.

Until next time


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