Patchwork: Making Sense of the Mess (Entry #2)

Updated: Oct 12, 2020

Disclaimer: This post contains foul language. These are my journal entries, unedited.


I am so exhausted today. I’m thankful that we have today off because its Memorial Day. I think the intensity of the week just finally caught up to me and wiped me the hell out. Either that or I got some sunburn yesterday. What else is new? Pale life.

Yesterday was beautiful. We drove down to my dads house to help him clean the pool up for the summer. We decided to go yesterday because I knew my brothers were going to be going there today and I just want to limit how many people are around my dad at one time (even though we are outside, kept our distance, and even wore masks when he was closer to us). It just feels safer that way. We got a good little chunk done and cleaned up the cabana. Thank god Peter comes with me to help because I KNOW THERE ARE MICE IN THAT CABANA and I refuse to go near the corners where I can sense them. So he goes into mice land and I stay safely in other areas hahah.

I love where I live and obviously need to be where I am to be close to work because that hour commute used to kill me – but I wish I lived closer to my family so I could help out more. Dads got such a big ass yard and so much to take care of and he ain’t getting any younger. How do people who live hours and hours and plane rides away from their families deal with this? Every time I think about moving far away, the thought of being super far from my family makes me sad. That’s even more obvious this week with grandma.

She had a terrible fall last week, smashed her head at 2:30 am in the bathroom. Midge (aunt) described the scene and it was literally traumatizing. I keep having flashes of my grandma laying in a massive pool of blood on the floor and I start freaking out. Turns out she had a stroke. But if there’s anything my grandma is, it’s a bad bitch. And she FREAKIN LIVED. She’s a little banged up, but she’s not in any pain, lost some strength in her left hand, and her speech is just a teeeeensie bit different than it was. But other than that she came out of it and is back home. But she is going to need constant care. I cant let me aunt take the brunt of that. Or any family member really. I talked to work already and Al said it was totally fine for me to work from home at her house once a week so I can at least do something. But I hate that I live an hour from her. It was much easier to pop in when I was 10 minutes away.

Now let’s add this freakin pandemic on top of it. I have to consider her health and safety. Granted, we haven’t been inside of ANY buildings since this whole thing started except for our own house (not even a grocery store). And the closest I’ve come to other humans has been either out on walks or hikes (with masks) or social distance hangs (outside, 6ft+ apart, masks). But I still am nervous. So I have to plan this out and make sure I have plenty of PPE for when I see her.

This whole thing is just so surreal. On so many levels. Naturally, I cant help but approach this from both a spiritual perspective but also considering it from a psychological standpoint and just observing people. One thing I’ve been talking to Liz (life coach) about is that one of my biggest obstacles in this is being thrown back into “just being human.”

This is how some people live already. Surviving. Just. Surviving. Wake up. Work. Home. Doing what they can to get by. That’s it.

For some it’s choice. For others it’s any number of obstacles they face from poverty to mental health status.

I’m so used to being privileged enough to not have those obstacles in my way—to be able to not just survive, but work toward goals and my own spiritual growth, that my brain moving into this “just survive” territory is SO alien to me that it’s uncomfortable. I’m thankful that I’ve slowly been moving away from that, but I’ve had to remind myself that it’s ok to not beast mode the way I am used to doing and to give myself that permission to just sleep or relax or play this god forsaken game for hours that I downloaded on my phone that I wish I never did because its ADDICTING.

Anyway. Survival. I want to remember this because if anything, I feel like one of my major lessons through all of this is learning even more so how to just be. I’m used to just going with the flow when it comes to experiences outside of myself. That’s easy. Like I know I cant control things or people around me and I stopped letting that impact me a long time ago. I could likely deal with COVID a lot easier if that was it, but the fact that there’s this huge internal shift that happens, where our brains are just buggin out moving back to the focus on survival adds a whole new layer. One that I was not prepared for. So it’s like relearning how to be within myself all over again. Which honestly isn’t that dreadful when you do it because there’s not this internal battle happening, you’re just flowing with yourself. This is a lesson I want to look back on.

I’m also trying really hard to remember I cant control people outside of myself during this but it is really. Freakin. Hard. I guess one thing I cant wrap my head around is why is a global health crisis something that is political? Why are people so fucking stuck on being right about their political beliefs that it got pulled into something that SHOULD be an experience we are in together?

Like … theres a fucking virus that’s wiping people out. It’s not cancer. It’s not mental health issues. It’s not violence. All of which are things that can be heart breaking and devastating and we should be working toward ending/healing. But it’s something that’s contagious. Something we can catchfrom human to human. Something that’s killing our family, our friends, our heroes, our front line workers, our scientists, that no one is immune to. Something that I would assumewe would all be looking at, as a human race, since that’s what we ALL are, and saying, “ok fuck this. Let’s take this beast out together.”

… And yet ... people are getting VIOLENT over it? People are rebelling and protesting against ways to keep us safe?

I almost want to laugh because holyyyy shit are some people missing that greater lesson or what? Here we have the opportunity to finally lay our egos down and people are going at it even harder.

First of all, who the fuck wants to stay home?

Who wants to isolate themselves from family and friends?

Ummm … I sure don’t. My grandma just stroked the fuck out for Christ sake. You think I didn’t want to be at the hospital with her? Or with my aunt right now helping? You think I didn’t want to kiss Joejoe on his birthday?

Of course I do.

But I guess that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make until I know my family, friends, and neighbors, and humans I don’t know, will be safe.

I understand why people are acting this way. It’s fear. On both “sides” since apparently there are sides during a pandemic? ….

There are people who are so fearful that they literally won’t leave their house and there are people who are so fearful they are acting out, behaving violently and horribly, and they want so badly for this not to be a problem that they are behaving as if it isn’t.

Either way – fear.

Fear is funny that way. It can make a person back down or make a person puff up bigger than they need to. But whatever route you take, it’s not helpful.

I like to believe there are more people out there working toward the greater good, but the news loves to show you all the people out there causing issues. I also tend to look for comments on social media from the angry people. I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I’m working hard on not because it serves no one – especially me. And social media is no place to change perspectives OR to receive facts, so there’s no point in wasting that energy.

This pandemic has really been a test for me in being able to truly let go of my anger toward other people’s actions and beliefs and recognize that I have no control and that they’re going to deal with their own karma, whether or not I get stressed out about it.

I guess one thing that I find the most interesting is how many people are “spiritual” or believe in the universe and abundance and manifesting, yet their beliefs counter that of spiritual belief. Like “trusting there will always be enough for everyone” or “letting go of judgment” or “having compassion” just goes RIGHT out the window. But again, I guess that’s not for me to worry about. My human side is the louder side sometimes and I’ll freely admit that. But I want to work harder at my own judgment of those who judge.

I believe my experiences with bullying growing up have just ingrained themselves in my way of being and I puff up when I feel like someone needs protecting from someone who is judging or bullying. I’ve always been told I’m scared of my own shadow or a big baby, so it was odd for me to consider I’d be someone who wants to protect everyone.

Yet another struggle I have through COVID. I can’t protect everyone. And I don’t like that.

Anyway, that’s enough of a rant for today.

Life updates to look back on:

I’m so excited about this book collab we are doing. I was worried at first I wouldn’t be able to get my chapter written in time for the first draft deadline, but I DID it. And I am PUMPED. And I forgot how much I LOVE deadlines because they keep me hustling. (Note to self: start creating deadlines for the things I want to achieve during stay at home so that I can still achieve some things, if not all things I normally would).

I think I’ll set a deadline for some chapters I want to crank out of this non-fic I’m also working on. I forget how much I miss/love writing. Journaling is great but there’s something to telling stories.

I had a proud moment this weekend when I was editing my newest YouTube video on anxiety and I laughed and laughed as I rewatched it. These videos are a lot more fun to create than I had anticipated.

I still have a crap load of work today with my rebrand, including finishing my website. That’s something I need to move my ass with, but things keep piling up around me. I’ll get it all done. I know I will. I just need to clone myself to get it done faster. I’ve added learn to clone self to my to-do list.

That is all.

Britt

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